blood is trinkling out of my soul...

My eyes are swollen, my heart is bleeding, im crying so fucking hard i cant even see anything. I came upon one of my roomates blogs accidently. And i read one where she completely had a total and hurtful bitch session about me. Im so hurt, i just want to cut or bite right now. GOD DAMN IT! be strong dont do it. Im panicking and and cant breathe. I feel like i have been truly stabbed in the heart. Dont be weak. So do i confront her about her personal feelings on her personal blog. I cant it is her fuckin right to write whatever she feels. And of course self pitty but i cant blame her. Here i go again. I hate myself sometimes, I love myself. Be strong....

water dripping on my tied up hands....

Listen to your self you sound so selfish, you dont deserve his attention his love and devotion. Why do you put him down when you are six feet below, dont drag, let loose and set him free. Free, free from you and all your shit. Wish you were different, wish he was different. Want to hear that you are beautiful for no apparent reason. Want to feel that he considers himself to be lucky. Know that you are truly special to him and that he would not trade you in for anyone. Want him to be able to yell that he loves you in a crowded room, or in solitary confinement. Maybe you are not the one for him and he is just wasting his time and well yours. Dont rush his feelings, if they are there, then they will come. If they dont come walk away knowing that you loved completely and not only with your heart but with your soul.

I need to d o some thinking about myself and what i deserve.

A low burning flame....

Maybe its just a phase, that i cant get out of my way.
Maybe the fire is burnt out, do i even know what im talking about?
Lost sometimes and flying like a balloon, need to be grounded and trapped into a cocoon.
Listen to the sounds of the nearby laughter, wondering if this could be my happily ever after
Losing sight of what we were, the smallest argument makes my heart stir.
Dont know how strong i can be, wondering if i could ever be free of Me.

Oh how I hate Biochem. And well....

So I am in this class that is supposed to be blended chemistry and biology, first it is not, and second of all it sucks so hard. The teachers dont care. well except for the rookie this semester and then he gets mad at us for not giving a shit. I was like dude get off your high horse and realize no one wants to be here but you. Other news, my sister had second beautiful girl. She is amazing. My neice Kylie, is taking the new baby a little hard. Well she was the only one for 6 years, so i understand if she is having jealousy issues. So it is shitty, cause i feel like i deserve more attention from my boyfriend, but then i dont feel like i deserve any. I wish that he would just look at me and say you are so beautiful and that I am lucky to have you. Or even when we are with a group of people show me affection or say "Isnt she great." Doesnt have to be exact but something along those lines. I dont know but i feel that it is my fault that he doesnt act that way towards me. I mean if i was more special or whatever, then he would. Or if i was the right one for him all of these things would just flow out of his mouth. Dont get me wrong we have a great relationship but there are somethings that are hard. I hate bringing this subject up because it makes him feel bad, which in turn makes me feel bad. Then he feels like he doesnt do enough and then i go on a self pitty thing and say i dont deserve it anyway. It is a ridiculous cycle of blahhhhh. We have both been so stressed out this week and well for awhile, I wish there was something i could do for him, i feel so uneeded. He could totally function well without me and me without him is just hard and torture for me. I dont know i blow alot of things out of prroportion, but somethings hurt and you just deal with them for the sake of love and finding someone who could never be replaced. He is one of a kind and is truly amazing, i wish he believed that.

Well,
I am stressed out as usual. I hate being an anxious person. It truly affects my life. Always being afraid to leave my house or go out of town. I sometimes just dont know why my boyfriend is even with me, Yeah i know pitty me, but seriously. I feel like im out of it most of the time and i sleep way too much. I have been working out for almost 3 weeks now and im so discouraged about my body every getting back to what it used to be like. It is true when they say you dont realize you have it unitl it is gone. Also i hate how people are like why are you freakin out, anxious, or depressed. It is like I know that I am an anxious and sometimes depressed person i dont need to be told that everyday of my life. Ahhhh. I know that my friends dont mean any harm, but still sometimes i wish they would think from my point of view. How am i supposed to grow and progress if im constantly reminded of how i have issues. Anyways, i guess this is just a venting session. I am even more stressed out than usual, which is prolly due to school, relay, me, me , me. Yeah alot about me, right. I hate biochem, my class for school. It is so boring, no one wants to be there and no one pays attention. I have a test coming up next week so i will prolly be freakin out this time next week as well. My sister is about to pop. She is not doing so well at the end of her pregancy, she is scared, and for her to tell me she is scared makes me scared. I am going to start working with a family with an autistic child. Im so excited about it. I think it is going to be so much fun and overall an amazing experience. Well that is all for now. Vent session over.