I dont really know.

Okay so as usual here we go with the complaints. I am sad at the current moment. Everyone in my house is downstairs watching and enjoying a movie and where am I? Oh yeah that is right in my fuckin room doing my hw. I hate this I can hear them laughing. Them including my boyfriend. I feel so left out but it is not their fault. I mean why should they hold themselves back because of my inabilities to get my shit done when i want to. Albert and I didnt do anything at all for our 4 year anniversary. I know he says that we will when we have time but I dont think he will remember or he will just spend his money on his toys. Dont get me wrong he spends soooo much money on me. He really does, but I guess it is my stupid idea that he enjoys those fuckin toys yeah I said it toys more than me. I guess men and women are alot different after all. I like talking in here to no one because I cant vent out my stupid shit that really serves no purpose to say to anyone. I will only hurt people's feelings because I tend to say what I think even when it is not nice. I dont know, I just dont know. I mean I look at Albert and I think that I could marry him but there are so many things that I am unsure of with him. Like would he be a good father and you know like get excited about having children. I want to know that the man I marry is going to fully help me raise a family. I know that I shouldnt be thinking about these things but I cant help but think about my future and if I would be making the right choices. Well have to get back to the paper and other shit list.

Form of procrastination...

So as usual i will resort to my complaining about whatever i want because no one reads this but me so there..... I have so much to do and im being so lazy about it i know that i should just get off my well quite large ass so that i can do my work and try to relax tonight. Tomorrow is going to be so busy and it is Albert and I's anniversary and we wont even be able to do anything together which just sucks. I have so much to do like i cant even imagine where to start on this never ending load. I know that I just need to step it up and just battle it out for another month. Actually it is like 26 days left. Not that I am counting or anything. All I do is sleep. I think that I sleep about 16 hours a day. Which is totally not good at all. Why can't i just sit down and do my work. Please help me to get motivated to get my shit done. Please.....

Happy.... Or least I think so...

Im sitting in my room on my computer trying to type what I feel but I cant because I am totally in tune with my musical soul at this moment. Panic at the Disco speaks to me like a greek god trying to touch my inner being. Besides all my stress and anxiety I am actaully in a good mood. I think it is time that I take control of my life because I hate that everyone sees me as an anxious person who cant control her self. I am happy sometimes and i want people to see that side of me more often. There is more to me than my nervous bones and anxiety stricken personality. Random but I am listening to Bone thugs and Harmony and it brings me back about 10 years to when we were in the trailer and I thought i was so cool to be listening to my older sisters rap music. I was so cool and so lucky back then. It is kind of hard to think back to those times when stress was something that other people experienced. I was carefree and young and didnt quite frankly give a shit about anything. I am a sophomore in collge and it scares me because I feel so old. Imagine how I am going to feel in 9 years when I will be turning 30. Can i ever feel like i did in my youth when i was carefree and truly happy. Now that brings up a question can people really know what happiness is if we dont have those hard times to compare it to. I dont really know how to answer this question. Because with Albert and I we have hurt each other so many times but we are so strong together. I love him so much and I think that I want to spend the rest of my life with him. But i doubt my feelings for him because he does not feel the same way as me. He loves me but is not ready to think about marriage. I know it is in no offense to me but it still hurts so much. I know that I cant rush him either directly or indirectly. I love him and the last thing i want to do is rush him or make him leave. Wow it will be 4 years in 5 days. I cant believe that i really cant that i have been so lucky to have him for this long. I know that I am lucky i just need to show it more often. I am singing again and i love it. But yet again I am the least trained in the group but I will make it somehow and it is because people believe in me now i just need to believe in me. I think i also need to go back to therapy to help me deal with my anxiety or least the anxiety that I show to everyone. Things that I like about myself right now are:
The size of my breasts and new/old hair color. Things I dont like : my pouchy stomach, miss tempie arms, my thick thighs that like to touch each other and my cellulite ass. I mean it is getting pretty darn scary. Well rachel quit bitching and do something about it.

I feel pretty... Oh so pretty...

Ok so for the first time in a long time, I actually felt attractive last night. Even though my love was hanging over my jeans, which were sticking to my ever growing thighs. I felt pretty. I even caught a few glances my way, which made me feel good and yes they were by people my age. I know that i shouldn't like it when other guys look at me. But it helps me to know that I am marketable and that if my boyfriend ever reached his senses and found someone better that i have a chance to survive. I hate getting ready. I wish that there was a button that I could push to make myself look good. Like right now it takes me forever to get ready, OK like a half hour, but that is still way too long. I am not the typical girl who likes to take forever, it drives me insane. I think that sometimes i avoid the shower just so i don't have to spend time getting ready. My hair takes forever to dry and i would much rather just put it up, but i feel prettier with it down. It is not too long and not too thick, there just is a lot of it. I think I would rather throw myself on the floor than spend time getting ready. I guess that I am just way to lazy to be a pretty preppy girl. Oh well i will survive. Also i think it has to do with the fact that I have been dating my boyfriend for like 4 years so he knows what i look like and he says he doesn't care if i am in my pj's or just an old t-shirt. I wonder if he is lying about that and he wishes i would like nicer more often. Well, then my advice would be to tell me that I am beautiful more often when i do make an effort to look good. I only try to look good for you, so that you will be proud to be my boyfriend. I remember when i was thinner and prettier he used to seem so happy to be with me and that he felt lucky to be with someone like me. I am not exactly sure that he still feels that way. I hope he does because i still feel lucky to have him and such a good looking guy at that. I know that i am pretty much complaining, but isn't this the point of these things to get out my feelings. Sometimes looking at my emotions in written form helps me to realize when i am over-analyzing everything. Well, have to get back to getting ready. Blah...

Yankee Doodle...

Well,
I don't really know what to say, but maybe something will come out. My hips hurt like a bitch because the weather is changing and just because they are stupid. I hate how some people are so god-damn materialistic. No names to be said. But i wish that you would focus more on our small chats, cuddling time, and small kisses on the neck rather than all of your toys. I know that we are young, but sometimes I wonder if this is how it will always be. Have your fun, but dont forget that items may come and go be sure to hold onto what matters most to you. OK now that I have that out and about, I have so much hw to do and a fall schedule to figure out. How many classes do I take and will I have enough time to handle them all. Will i put myself into the same situation I am in now. I know that I need to take some time to try to work out some of problems. My titles for these blogs make no sense, but i dont know what im going to write about until my fingers hit the key board. Okay that is all for now, unless i decide to write more.

Jello

Do you ever just type because you really like the font that you are using and you love looking at the words appear on your screen . Well I am one of the weird people who do. School is stressing me the fuck out as usual. I really need to work on my whole complaining thing. Cause I do it way too much and it starting to affect my relationship with my boyfriend. That is another thing. Things arent too fantastic, I mean they could be alot worse. But it is like we have to have an all out crying and finger-pointing fest before anything gets really said or accomplished. I always feel better after we talk though, which is a good thing. He is amazing and he doesnt even realize it. Sometimes he hurts me so much and he doesnt even realize it. I am taking way too many credit hours right now and am just trying to do way too much. Like right now I should be working on my shit load of hw but im not. Well that is enough for now. Oh yeah I really like Jello. Hence my title today.

blood is trinkling out of my soul...

My eyes are swollen, my heart is bleeding, im crying so fucking hard i cant even see anything. I came upon one of my roomates blogs accidently. And i read one where she completely had a total and hurtful bitch session about me. Im so hurt, i just want to cut or bite right now. GOD DAMN IT! be strong dont do it. Im panicking and and cant breathe. I feel like i have been truly stabbed in the heart. Dont be weak. So do i confront her about her personal feelings on her personal blog. I cant it is her fuckin right to write whatever she feels. And of course self pitty but i cant blame her. Here i go again. I hate myself sometimes, I love myself. Be strong....

water dripping on my tied up hands....

Listen to your self you sound so selfish, you dont deserve his attention his love and devotion. Why do you put him down when you are six feet below, dont drag, let loose and set him free. Free, free from you and all your shit. Wish you were different, wish he was different. Want to hear that you are beautiful for no apparent reason. Want to feel that he considers himself to be lucky. Know that you are truly special to him and that he would not trade you in for anyone. Want him to be able to yell that he loves you in a crowded room, or in solitary confinement. Maybe you are not the one for him and he is just wasting his time and well yours. Dont rush his feelings, if they are there, then they will come. If they dont come walk away knowing that you loved completely and not only with your heart but with your soul.

I need to d o some thinking about myself and what i deserve.

A low burning flame....

Maybe its just a phase, that i cant get out of my way.
Maybe the fire is burnt out, do i even know what im talking about?
Lost sometimes and flying like a balloon, need to be grounded and trapped into a cocoon.
Listen to the sounds of the nearby laughter, wondering if this could be my happily ever after
Losing sight of what we were, the smallest argument makes my heart stir.
Dont know how strong i can be, wondering if i could ever be free of Me.

Oh how I hate Biochem. And well....

So I am in this class that is supposed to be blended chemistry and biology, first it is not, and second of all it sucks so hard. The teachers dont care. well except for the rookie this semester and then he gets mad at us for not giving a shit. I was like dude get off your high horse and realize no one wants to be here but you. Other news, my sister had second beautiful girl. She is amazing. My neice Kylie, is taking the new baby a little hard. Well she was the only one for 6 years, so i understand if she is having jealousy issues. So it is shitty, cause i feel like i deserve more attention from my boyfriend, but then i dont feel like i deserve any. I wish that he would just look at me and say you are so beautiful and that I am lucky to have you. Or even when we are with a group of people show me affection or say "Isnt she great." Doesnt have to be exact but something along those lines. I dont know but i feel that it is my fault that he doesnt act that way towards me. I mean if i was more special or whatever, then he would. Or if i was the right one for him all of these things would just flow out of his mouth. Dont get me wrong we have a great relationship but there are somethings that are hard. I hate bringing this subject up because it makes him feel bad, which in turn makes me feel bad. Then he feels like he doesnt do enough and then i go on a self pitty thing and say i dont deserve it anyway. It is a ridiculous cycle of blahhhhh. We have both been so stressed out this week and well for awhile, I wish there was something i could do for him, i feel so uneeded. He could totally function well without me and me without him is just hard and torture for me. I dont know i blow alot of things out of prroportion, but somethings hurt and you just deal with them for the sake of love and finding someone who could never be replaced. He is one of a kind and is truly amazing, i wish he believed that.

Well,
I am stressed out as usual. I hate being an anxious person. It truly affects my life. Always being afraid to leave my house or go out of town. I sometimes just dont know why my boyfriend is even with me, Yeah i know pitty me, but seriously. I feel like im out of it most of the time and i sleep way too much. I have been working out for almost 3 weeks now and im so discouraged about my body every getting back to what it used to be like. It is true when they say you dont realize you have it unitl it is gone. Also i hate how people are like why are you freakin out, anxious, or depressed. It is like I know that I am an anxious and sometimes depressed person i dont need to be told that everyday of my life. Ahhhh. I know that my friends dont mean any harm, but still sometimes i wish they would think from my point of view. How am i supposed to grow and progress if im constantly reminded of how i have issues. Anyways, i guess this is just a venting session. I am even more stressed out than usual, which is prolly due to school, relay, me, me , me. Yeah alot about me, right. I hate biochem, my class for school. It is so boring, no one wants to be there and no one pays attention. I have a test coming up next week so i will prolly be freakin out this time next week as well. My sister is about to pop. She is not doing so well at the end of her pregancy, she is scared, and for her to tell me she is scared makes me scared. I am going to start working with a family with an autistic child. Im so excited about it. I think it is going to be so much fun and overall an amazing experience. Well that is all for now. Vent session over.

ummmm yeah

So i created this account for many reasons. One so i can post nice comments on my boyfriends blog and also to have a place where i can vent my life to anyone or no one. I used to hate computers and sometimes still do, but now i am on mine everyday. I wish that the world wasnt so freakn obsessed with technology. I know, I know it can be very helpful and all that good stuff. But im a nature girl who likes things to be natural and calm and relaxing. I like camping and playing outside. Yes i said playing and im 20yrs old. Saying that im 20 alone scares the crap out of me. Im young and i guess you could say in love, and dont know what i want to do for the rest of my life. Well audience, i am off to nap